The art of giving harsh feedback

Feedback needs to come from a kind place. Not my phrase. I read it somewhere and I decided to adopt this simple philosophy. This philosophy is very important to me.

 

Feedback needs to be given with good intentions and good intentions do not exclude harsh feedback. Actually, in my experience harsh feedback with good intentions is the feedback you learn the most from. The way you give feedback needs to clearly display this good intent. If wrongly conveyed, harsh feedback can easily come across as spiteful even revengeful and can only lead to immediate dismissal. When giving tough feedback, I choose to preempt the conversation by saying openly and honestly

 

"I'm going to tell you something you may not like hearing, but I am telling it to you with the best intention".

 

Something else that's very important to think about...

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Any feedback that you give needs to benefit the person receiving it.

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Think about this to sanity check the feedback you are about to give. Now, whether the recipient of the feedback chooses to take action is up to them and is not your responsibility. But I do believe that the manner in which you give the feedback undoubtedly affects the likelihood (or lack of it) of the recipient acting upon it.

 

How good are we at giving feedback?

Most of us have never even given a thought as to whether we are actually good at giving feedback. We assume by default that we are. In my personal and humble opinion, I think most people don't know how to give effective feedback and this is especially true in smaller companies where asking for an giving feedback is not intrinsic to the corporate culture. 

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When you give feedback, it's good to remember WHY you are giving feedback. Is it because you have to (i.e. part of a company performance review cycle) or did someone personally reach out to you? The second case needs a different approach than the first. The first is often tightly structured, dictated and constrained by company feedback processes, whereas the latter is unstructured leaving space for you to elaborate more and give deeper and more insightful feedback.

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Think of what you want this person to walk away with as a key takeaway, and consider how your feedback will make them feel.

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It is also important to separate (in your mind first and then in the discussion) feedback related to the job per se and feedback related to behaviour, the latter being the more important IMHO and also where effective feedback giving is poor.

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My working assumption here btw is that feedback is verbal not written. Although verbal might create 'awkward moments' it is nonetheless more effective as it gives you the opportunity - as the person giving the feedback - to elaborate and better explain your feedback aiming to ensure that what you are conveying is understood as you intended and not misinterpreted.

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Is the person you are giving feedback to 'feedbackable'?

When giving tough feedback, you'll find that many people instinctively go on self-defense mode. "Yes but I couldn't…Yes but so and so did this and that…". There is an excuse for everything. In such cases, the person is clearly not listening with the intent to understand but only with the intent to respond (or rather self-defend). How can you help here?

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As a manager, what I have done to handle tough feedback situations (and it seems to have worked) is to suggest the following "I don't want you to say anything while I give you this feedback. I want you to listen, take it in, go away and process it, digest it. You do NOT have to agree with anything I say, but I do want you to go away and process it, have a think about it. Then, if you feel you want to talk about it, challenge it, come back and let's have another session".

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I think the point about not having to agree is an important one to make.

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Feedback is subjective and will very likely differ from person to person. However, there is some truth hidden in the depths of that feedback even if on the surface of it the recipient does not agree.

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Giving feedback to your superiors

You might be asking yourself 'How on earth do I give harsh feedback to my manager?' Not an easy one for sure. First and foremost you need to assess whether your manager is the kind of person who (a) is open to feedback (b) can accept harsh feedback and (c) can accept harsh feedback from a direct report. Tricky and delicate. But worth considering. It might mean that after careful consideration you conclude NOT to proceed and that might actually be a wise choice!

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I once had an 'aha' moment when I heard the comment 'It's your job to make your boss successful' (a topic worthy of its own article). In the context of giving feedback, if it comes from a kind place, you are doing exactly that - helping your boss succeed.

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Yes, there is a right time to give feedback

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Here's a simple rule - do not plan for a feedback session in the middle of the day in between meetings in a busy schedule. To expect the feedback recipient to switch off from full business mode to a mode where he/she needs to switch to dedicated and attentive listening is simply asking a lot and clearly not effective.

If it's going to be a tough feedback session, plan a slot at the end of the day, so that the recipient can have the evening to process and digest.

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If it's a case of light feedback, have a morning coffee session (virtual or not) before the working day begins.

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I cannot offer - and would not want to offer - '5 tips on how to give effective feedback' because there is no magic recipe.

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Just sharing my thoughts.

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P.S. I had my doubts as to whether there was any point in writing an article on feedback given that there are thousands of publications on the topic. My thoughts here are 100% my own and not a summary of any reading.

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In fact for all the articles I write, I intentionally do not read other articles on the topic because I want the content I share to be purely mine and not to be influenced by what is popularly written online.